A Word from Patton Oswalt re: The Prequels

Patton speculates on what he would do if he were to go back in a time machine and meet George Lucas around 1994.

Warning:  strong language

Patton and Lucas

The Phantom Menace: Obi-Wan Meets Anakin

Here we see Obi-Wan Kenobi first meet his bane.

Script copyright George Lucas
Script excerpted from this site:
http://www.supershadow.com/star_wars/episode_1/the_phantom_menace/script.html

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - HALLWAY

ANAKIN and OBI-WAN rush into the hallway to find QUI-GON
collapsed on the floor opposite the entry. ARTOO is looking
over him. The JEDI is breathing hard, wet with sweat and
covered in dirt.

ANAKIN
Are you all right?

QUI-GON
I think so... that was a surpirse I
wont soon forget.

OBI-WAN
What was it?

QUI-GON
I don't know... but he was well
trained in the Jedi arts. My guess
is he was after the Queen...

ANAKIN
Do you think he'll follow us?

QUI-GON
We'll be safe enough once we're in
hyperspace, but I have no doubt he
knows our destination.

ANAKIN
What are we going to do about it?

OBI-WAN gives ANAKIN a "who are you?" look. ANAKIN returns
an innocent stare.

QUI-GON
We will be patient. Anakin Skywalker,
meet Obi-Wan Kenobi.

ANAKIN
Pleased to meet you. Wow! You're a
Jedi too?

OBI-WAN gives the boy a skeptical look.

INT. COCKPIT - SPACE

RIC OLIE pulls back on the hyperdrive. OBI-WAN, QUI-GON, and
ANAKIN watch.

QUI-GON
Let's hope this hyperdrive works and
Watto didn't get the last laugh.

The stars streak outside the cockpit window.

EXT. SPACE - NABOO SPACECRAFT (FX)

The ship streaks into hyperspace.
 

The Phantom Menace: Escape from Tatooine

Qui-Gon and Anakin race to the Millenium Fal--er, Naboo ship and tangle with Darth Maul.

See comments section for our thoughts!





Script copyright George Lucas
Script excerpted from this site:
http://www.supershadow.com/star_wars/episode_1/the_phantom_menace/script.html






EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT MESA - DAY

The PROBE DROID beeps and whistles to DARTH MAUL. The SITH
LORD gets on a speeder bike and follows the PROBE DROID into
Mos Espa.

EXT. MOS ESPA - STREET - FRUIT STAND - DAY

ANAKIN and QUI-GON exit WATTO'S and stop before JIRA'S fruit
stand. ANAKIN hands JIRA some coins.

ANAKIN
I've been freed, and I'm going away.
Buy yourself a cooling unit with
this... Otherwise I'll worry about
you.

JIRA is astonished. She stares, not knowing what to say.

JIRA
Can I give you a hug?

ANAKIN
Sure.

She gives him a hug.

JIRA
I'll miss you, Annie... there isn't
a kinder boy in the galaxy. You be
careful...

ANAKIN runs to join QUI-GON, who has already started down
the street. As they walk along together, QUI-GON notices
something out of the corner of his eye. Suddenly, without
breaking his stride, he ignites his laser sword, swing around,
and lunges forward and cuts a lurking PROBE DROID in half.
QUI-GON inspects the sparking and fizzing DROID.

ANAKIN
What is it?

QUI-GON
Probe droid. Very unusual... not
like anything I've seen before.

Come on.

QUI-GON and ANAKIN start running.

EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - NABOO SPACECRAFT - DAY

QUI-GON and ANAKIN run toward the Naboo spacecraft. ANAKIN
is having a hard time keeping up.

ANAKIN
Master Qui-Gon,sir, wait!

QUI-GON turns to answer and sees a DARK-CLOAKED FIGURE bearing
down on a speeder bike.

QUI-GON
Anakin, drop!

ANAKIN drops to the ground just as DARTH MAUL sweeps over
him. DARTH MAUL jumps off his speeder bike, and before he
has hit the ground, the Sith Lord has swund a death blow
with his laser sword that is barely blocked by QUI-GON.

ANAKIN picks himself up. The two galactic warriors, Sith and
Jedi, are bashing each other with incredible blows. They
move in a continual cloudof dust, smashing everything around
them. This is a fierce fight. ANAKIN gets up, bewildered by
the confrontation.

QUI-GON
Annie, get to the ship! Take off!
Go! Go!

QUI-GON struggles to fend off the relentless onslaught as
ANAKIN races to the ship.

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - HALLWAY

ANAKIN runs into the main hallway of the spaceship, where
PADME and Capt. Panaka are working.

ANAKIN
Qui-Gon's in trouble. He says to
take off...now!!

CAPT. PANAKA
Who are you?

PADME
He's a friend.

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT

Capt. Panaka, ANAKIN, and PADME rush into the cockpit where
OBI-WAN and RIC OLIE are checking the hyperdrive.

CAPT. PANAKA
Qui-Gon is in trouble, he says to
take off!

PILOT
I don't see anything.

OBI-WAN
Over there! Fly low!

In the distance is a small cloud of dust.

EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - NABOO SPACECRAFT - DAY

QUI-GON and DARTH MAUL continue theirsword battle. Leaping
over one another in an incredible display of acrobatics, the
two warrios hear the ship fly over them a few feet off the
ground. QUI-GON almost dissapears for a moment. Before DARTH
MAUL knows what's happening, QUI-GON is on the spacecrat's
ramp.

EXT. TATOOINE - NABOO SPACECRAFT RAMP - DAY

The SITH LORD immediately jumps onto the ramp after QUI-GON,
but barely makes it. His heels hang over the edge of a forty-
foot drop. QUI-GON swings his laser sword with all his might
and knocks DARTH AMUL off the ramp and onto the desert floor.
The ramp closes, and the Naboo craft rockets away, leaving
the Sith Lord standing alone.

EXT. SPACE - NABOO SPACECRAFT (FX)

The sleek spacecraft rockets away from the planet Tatooine.

The Phantom Menace: Goodbye to 3PO, Kitster, and Shmi (Again!)

More goodbyes from Anakin, who does it all longhand.

Script copyright George Lucas
Script excerpted from this site:
http://www.supershadow.com/star_wars/episode_1/the_phantom_menace/script.html


INT. ANAKIN'S HOVEL - SECOND ROOM - DAY

ANAKIN has thrown the last of his things in a small backpack.
As he leaves, he stops and pushes the button that wakes his
droid up. THREEPIO stares at him blankly.

ANAKIN
Well, Threepio, I'm free...and I'm
going away...in a starship...

THREEPIO
Master, Annie, you are my maker, and
I wish you well. Although I'd like
it better if I were a little less
naked.

ANAKIN
I'm sorry I wasn't able to finish
you, Threepio... give you coverings
and all... I'm going to miss working
on you. You've been a great pal.
I'll make sure Mom doesn't sell you
or anything. Bye.

THREEPIO stares at ANAKIN as he rushes out of the room.

THREEPIO
Sell me?!?

EXT. MOS ESPA - STREET - SLAVE QUARTERS - DAY

KITSTER runs up to ANAKIN as he and QUI-GON exit Anakin's
hovel. SHMI stands in the doorway. ANAKIN pulls a handful of
coins out of his pocket and gives them to KITSTER.

KITSTER
There are so many of us who want you
to stay, Annie... You're a hero.

ANAKIN
I...
(looks to Shmi)
I... have to go.

QUI-GON has moved a short way down the street.

KITSTER
Well.

ANAKIN
Well.

KITSTER
Thank's for every moment you've been
here. You're my best friend.

ANAKIN
I won't forget.

ANAKIN hugs KITSTER and runs toward QUI-GON, then stops to
look back at his mother standing in the doorway. He turns
back to QUI-GON, then turns and runs back to his mother.

ANAKIN
(starting to cry)
I can't do it, Mom. I just can't.

SHMI hugs ANAKIN. QUI-GON watches from the distance. She
kneels down and looks him in the face.

SHMI
Annie, remember when you climbed the
great dune in order to chase the
Banthas away so they wouldn't be
shot... Remember how you collapses
several times, exhausted thinking
you couldn't do it?

ANAKIN shakes his head.

SHMI
This is one of those times when you
have to do something you don't think
you can do. I know how strong you
are, Annie. I know you can do this...

ANAKIN
Will I ever see you again?

SHMI
What does your heart tell you?

ANAKIN
I hope so...yes...I guess.

SHMI
Then we will see each other again.

ANAKIN
I.. will become a Jedi and I will
come back and free you, Mom... I
promise.

SHMI
No matter where you are, my love
will be with you. Now be brave, and
don't look back... don't look back.

ANAKIN
I love you so much.

SHMI hugs ANAKIN, then turns him around so he is facing QUI-
GON, and off he marches, like the brave little trooper that
he is. He marches right past QUI-GON, starring right ahead,
tears in his eyes, determined not to look back.
 

The Phantom Menace: Goodbye to Shmi Skywalker

Anakin learns he's free but his mom will remain a slave.  See comment section for our thoughts!

Script copyright George Lucas
Script excerpted from this site:
http://www.supershadow.com/star_wars/episode_1/the_phantom_menace/script.html

EXT. TATOOINE - STREET - SLAVE QUARTERS - DAY

ANAKIN and A GREEDO are rolling around on the floor, fighting.
About A DOZEN OR SO KIDS are standing around them, yelling.
Suddenly, a long shadow is cast over the TWO BOYS; they stop
fighting and look up. QUI-GOMN is towering above them. KITSTER
is with them.

QUI-GON
What's this?

ANAKIN
He said I cheated.

QUI-GON
Did you?

ANAKIN
No!

QUI-GON
Do you still think he cheated?

GREEDO
Yes.

QUI-GON
Well, Annie. You know the truth...
You will have to tolerate his opinion,
fighting won't change it.

QUI-GON moves off down the street. Anakin follows. The GREEDO
wanders over to WALD who has been watching the goings-on.

WALD
Keep this up, Greedo, and you're
gonna come to a bad end.

Farther down the street QUI-GON and ANAKIN head toward
Anakin's hovel.

QUI-GON takes a handful of credits from beneath his poncho
and hands them to the boy.

QUI-GON
These are yours. We sold the Pod.

ANAKIN
(suddenly beaming))
Yes!

INT. ANAKIN'S HOVEL - MAIN ROOM - DAY

SHMI is cleaning up as ANAKIN bursts through the door,
followed by QUI-GON.

ANAKIN
Mom, he sold the Pod. Look at all
the money we have!

ANAKIN pulls a bag of coins out of his pocket.

SHMI
Oh, my goodness, That's wonderful.

QUI-GON
And Anakin has been freed.

ANAKIN
What?!?

QUI-GON
You're no longer a slave.

ANAKIN jumps for joy! SHMI is stunned.

ANAKIN
Did you hear that, Mom?
(to Qui-Gon)
Was that part of the prize, or what?

QUI-GON
Let's just say Watto has learned an
important lesson about gambling.

SHMI
Now you can make your dreams come
true, Annie. You're free!
(turns to Qui-Gon)
Will you take him with you? Is he to
become a Jedi?

QUI-GON
Our meeting was not a coincidence.
Nothing happens by accident.
(to Anakin)
You are strong with the Force, but
you may not be accepted by the Coucil.

ANAKIN
A Jedi! Mighty blasters, you mean I
get to go with you in your starship
and everything?!

QUI-GON kneels down to the boy.

QUI-GON
Anakin, training to be a Jedi will
not be a easy challenge. And if you
succeed, it will be a hard life.

ANAKIN
But it's what I want. What I've always
dreamed about. Can I go, Mom?!

QUI-GON
This path has been placed for you,
Annie; the choice to take it is yours
alone.

ANAKIN thinks, looks to his mother, then to QUI-GON.

ANAKIN
I want to go.

QUI-GON
Then, pack your things. We haven't
much time.

ANAKIN
Yipee!!

ANAKIN hugs his mom and starts for the other room, then stops.
SHMI and QUI-GON give each other a knowing look. ANAKIN has
realized something.

ANAKIN
What about Mom? Is she free too?
You're coming, aren't you, Mom

QUI-GON
I tried to free your mother, Annie,
but Watto wouldn't have it.

ANAKIN
But the money from selling...

QUI-GON
It's not nearly enough.

SHMI comes over to her son and sits next to him. Taking both
of his hands in hers, she draws him close.

SHMI
Son, my place is here. My future is
here. It is time for you to let go...
to let go of me. I cannot go with
you.

ANAKIN
I want to stay with you. I don't
want things to change.

SHMI
You can't stop change any more than
you can stop the suns from setting.
Listen to your feelings; Annie, you
know what's right.

ANAKIN takes a deep breath, drops his head. QUI-GON and SHMI
exchange a look of concern. When ANAKIN raises up, there
are tears in his eyes.

ANAKIN
I'm going to miss you so much, Mom...

SHMI
I love you, Annie... now hurry.

ANAKIN and SHMI hug. ANAKIN runs into the other room.

SHMI
Thank you.

QUI-GON
I will watch after him. You have my
word. Will you be all right?

SHMI
He was in my life for such a short
time.
 

The Phantom Menace: Podrace Aftermath

Here's a feelgood scene to set up some upcoming pathos.

Script copyright George Lucas
Script excerpted from this site:
http://www.supershadow.com/star_wars/episode_1/the_phantom_menace/script.html

EXT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - DAY

As ANAKIN stops the Podracer, KISTER turns up, and they
embrace. Hundreds of SPECTATORS join them and put ANAKIN on
their shoulders, marching off, CHEERING AND CHANTING. Darth
Maul's PROBE DROIDS move through the crowd.

INT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - PRIVATE BOX - DAY

Several ALIENS leave Watto's box, laughing and counting their
money. WATTO sees QUI-GON standing in the doorway.

WATTO
You! You swindled me! You knew the
boy was going to win! Somehow you
knew it! I lost everything.

WATTO flies up to QUI-GON and puts his face right up against
QUI-GON's.

QUI-GON simply smiles.

QUI-GON
Whenever you gamble, my freind,
eventually you'll lose. Bring the
parts to the main hanger. I'll come
by your shop later so you can release
the boy.

WATTO
You can't have him! It wasn't a fair
bet!

QUI-GON
Would you like to discuss it with
the Hutts...I'm sure they can settle
this.

WATTO
No, no! I want no more of your tricks!
Take him!

The SITH PROBE DROID watches with great interest.

EXT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - MAIN HANGER - DAY

The Main Hanger is almost deserted as RACERS depart.

INT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - MAIN HANGER - DAY

JAR JAR gives ANAKIN a great hug, then PADME gives him a
hug, then SHMI.

ANAKIN
Ah, gee...enough of this...

SHMI
It's so wonderful, Annie. You have
brought hope to those who have none.
I'm so very proud of you...

PADME
We owe you everything.

ANAKIN
Just feeling this good was worth it.

In the background, QUI-GON has harnessed the EOPIES to
containers full of parts.

QUI-GON
Padme. Jar Jar, let's go, we've got
to get these parts back to the ship.

The GROUP walks over to QUI-GON and the EOPIES.

PADME climbs on behind QUI-GON. JAR JAR swings up onto the
second EOPIE, only to slwly slide off the other side. ARTOO
whistles. ANAKIN and SHMI wave as they ride off.

QUI-GON
I'll return the eopies by midday.

EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - NABOO SPACECRAFT - DAY

ARTOO cruises ahead of QUI-GON and PADME, who are riding one
of the EOPIES; JAR JAR ridses the other. They stop in front
of the sleek Naboo spacecraft.

OBI-WAN comes out of the ship and joins them.

QUI-GON
Start getting this hyperdrive
generator installed. I'm going
back...some unfinished business. I
won't be long.

OBI-WAN
Why do I sense we've picked up another
pathetic life form...?

QUI-GON
It's the boy who's responsible for
getting those parts.

On a hill far overlooking the Naboo spacecraft, the SITH
PROBE DROID turns and speeds away. 

The Phantom Menace: Crossing the Finish Line

The conclusion of the pod race
See comments section for our thoughts.

Script copyright George Lucas
Script excerpted from this site:
http://www.supershadow.com/star_wars/episode_1/the_phantom_menace/script.html




Lap two. SEBULBA and the pack race past the main arena. The
crowd stands and YELLS as the Podracers scream off into the
distance. QUI-GON and PADME look worried.

JAR JAR
He musta crash-ud.

PADME
Here he comes!

EXT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - PIT AREA - DAY (FX)

ARTOO lets out an excited whistle, as KITSTER yells.

THREEPIO : He has to complete two more circuits? Oh dear!

EXT. MOS ESPA - RACETRACK - DAY (FX)

Sure enough, coming around the bend is ANAKIN, quickly gaining
on the pack.

The two-headed announcer describes the action. The crowd
goes wild.

FODE/BEED (O.S.)
B : It looks like Skywalker is moving
up through the field. He's in...
A : Steeth pa nagoola!
(Sixth place, not bad.)

ANAKIN continues to gain on the pack. Tension for SHMI and
PADME is unbearable.

ODY stops in the pits. Droids work on his engines. DUM-4
stands in front of the engine and is sucked in, causing the
engine to die. DUM-4 is spit out the back of the engine,
very bent up. The engine lets out one final wheeze, then
EXPLODES in a puff of smoke.

FODE/BEED (O.S.)
A : Ody Mandrell! Coona wa wunda
dunko!
(Ody Mandrell into the pits for some
attention.)


ODY
Droids!

TERTER is getting close to SEBULBA, who purposely breaks a
small part off his Pod, sending it into Terter's engine,
causing him to veer into ANAKIN, and unhooks one of the main
straps on Anakin's engines that links the Pod to his engines.
ANAKIN struggles to keep control of the little Pod. It whips
about wildly.

As the Pod swings near the broken engine strap, ANAKIN grabs
for it.

Finally, he catches the strap and manages to unhook it to
the Pod.

SEBULBA cuts the engine of OBITOKI with his side exhaust,
and the racer crashes with a cloud of dust. A THIRD RACER,
HABBA, flie into the cloud of dust and crashes into OBITOKI.
ANAKIN rounds a corner and heads into the cloud of smoke. He
hits a part of one of the engines but regains control.

FODE/BEED (O.S.)
B :At the start of the third and
final lap, Sebulba is in the lead,
closely followed by Skywalker...

ANAKIN finally catches up with SEBULBA, and runs neck and
neck over the rough terrain. JAR JAR, QUI-GON, SHMI, and
PADME all SCREAM s ANAKIN comes through the arena. The lights
in the tower indicate that this is the third and last lap.
WATTO begins to worry.

SEBULBA uses his side exhaust port to try to cut through
Anakin's engines.

ANAKIN manages to avoid having his engine disabled but is
forced off course.

FODE/BEED (O.S.)
B : Skywalker is forced onto the
service ramp!
A : Oh noah!

On a tight corner, ANAKIN dives to the inside and takes the
lead.

FODE/BEED (O.S.)
B : Amazing... a controlled thrust
and he's back on course! What a move!

SEBULBA is furious. He stay's right on Anakin's tail, crowding
him and pushing him through the turns.

SEBULBA pushes ANAKIN harder, and the young boy has a
difficult time keeping control. One of the parts on Anakin's
engines begins to shake loose. ANAKIN sees it and switches
over to an auxiliary system. While he is trying to accomplish
this maneuver, SEBULBA races past him.

ANAKIN tries to get around SEBULBA, to no avail. Every move
ANAKIN makes, SEBULBA is able to block.

Finally, ANAKIN fakes a move into the inside as he usually
does, then tries to go around SEBULBA on the outside. They
race sid by side down the final stretch of the track.

FODE/BEED (O.S.)
B : He's catching Sebulba.
A : Inkabunga.
(Incredible!)

SEBULBA veers toward ANAKIN and bangs into his Pod. He crashes
into ANAKIN over and over. The young boy struggles to maintain
control as the steering rods on the two Pods become hooked
together. SEBULBA laughs at ANAKIN.

FODE/BEED (O.S.)
B : That little human being is out
of his mind.
A : Punda tah punda!
(They're neck and neck!)
B : They're side by side!
A : Bongo du bongu!
(Shoulder to shoulder!)

As they head for the final stretch, ANAKIN fights to unlock
the steering rods by trying to pull away from SEBULBA. The
strain on the steering rod is tremendous. Suddenly, ANAKIN's
steering arm breaks, and his Pos starts spinning.

The release of tension sends SEBULBA into an ancient statue.
One engine EXPLODES, then the other. SEBULBA skids through
the fire-balls, blackened, but unhurt. He slides to a smoking
stop, gets out of his racer, and throws what's left of a
shifter arm on the ground. Suddenly he realizes his pants
are on fire, and he struggles to put them out. ANAKIN flies
through the EXPLOSION as the crowd stands, CHERRING. PADME
and JAR JAR jump up and down with excitment, PADME screaming
for joy. ARTOO and KITSTER whistle hysterically. QUI-GON and
SHMI smile. ANAKIN races over the finish line, the winner.

INT. MOS ESPA - ARENA ANNOUNCERS BOX - DAY (FX)

The two-headed announcer excitedly calls the finish.

FODE/BEED
B : It's Skywalker! The crowd are
going nuts! Oh Ah Oh Ah (rock head
in tandem with partner)